A Visit from Sadness

Written by PushingUpRoses on March 6th, 2012

Every now and then I look at my website, and think to myself, “Hey!  Didn’t I pay for this random space on the internet?  Maybe I should use it.  I could upload some art.  Or write a new article.  Or I could be REALLY productive and actually upload my videos.  Alright!  Motivation!  I’ll do it ALL… after I take a bath.”

And then the motivation eludes me.  Somewhere between the bathtub being halfway full, and the beginning phases of my fingers starting to wrinkle from sitting in the water, this happens:

“I don’t want to update.  I’m too lazy.  I’m tired.  I hate everything.  I’m going to sit here in this way too small for me bathtub until I prune.  I hate it when I prune.  Fucking gross.”

I then neglect my website, and all of my other duties for the day, due to extreme hatred for myself.  Sometimes the sadness is completely unjustified, and sometimes there are legitimate reasons, but it all boils down to the same outcome; extreme bouts of depression.

I’d like to think I am a fairly strong woman.  I’ve definitely had a life of hardships, but the hardships helped me to grow a couple of extra skins.  I was that girl in high school who seriously didn’t give a fuck.  I’m not sure if that apathy was depression spawned, or if I was just lazy.  Don’t like me?  Well I fucking hate you.  Homework?  Fuck it.  Give me a D.  Oh, what’s this?  A guy is potentially interested in dating me?  WELL FUCK HIM.  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGNST.

I feel like I could have gave Courtney Love a run for her money in the “bitchy, self loathing” category.  However, even through all the negativity, there is this weird happy-go-lucky side of me that often likes to take possession:

Oh, what’s this?  A guy is potentially interested in dating me?  WELL FUCK HIM! …….. (secret squeeing and bubbly giggles.)

People who see me on the outside most often experience the happy-go-lucky goofball side.  After I am done exhausting myself from radiating goofiness to the outside world, I sometimes shut down and decide that brooding is totally the way to go.  Brooding is dramatic.  It’s deep.  Look at how stoic I am as I brood.  It’s a fucking art form.  

On brooding days, I find it nearly impossible to get anything done.  My laundry can be piled to the ceiling, but I cannot let that get in the way of my goddamn brooding.  Dishes can get moldy.  I could get hungry.  Doesn’t matter.  I’m busy.

A couple days of extreme brooding will pass by, and I will burst back to life like nothing has ever happened.   I will attack my room mate with bubbliness and act happy as a clam.  My motivation for writing and artwork will fill my being, and I will get things done.   Optimism is my middle name.  I will stay in this state for quite a long time, until I decide to brood again.

I could speculate on reasons why I allow myself to fall victim to days of sadness.  Maybe it has to do with past events.  Maybe I have a chemical imbalance.  Maybe I am a nutbar.  I don’t know.   I’d like to think my happy self is just completely pissed off at my brooding self for being an emo bitch, so I cannot stay depressed.  I also have this gift[curse] of pushing away my sadness for other people who are feeling crappy.  I think it’s called “caring” or something.  Most people who suffer consistent periods of depression push away people who care about them, because all they really care about is their own pain.   I’ve definitely been there in the past.

Oh man.  John is IMing me.  He seems concerned.  I should answer his IM….

(Doesn’t answer for days at a time)

John is still IMing me.  I think he’s trying to cheer me up.  Maybe I could hold down a conversation this time.

…No.  I hate myself too much tonight.

 

These days, I can get past my own sadness and turn my attention to other people who may need help.  No matter how worthless I feel, if I see one of my friends in pain, I will metaphorically switch my emotions to zero and want to help them instead.

I don’t really see myself as a sad person.  Most often, I see myself as someone pretty darn happy, who likes to take a club to any kind of sad thought and bludgeon it to a bloody pulp.  If there is depression there somewhere, I am certainly not having any of it.  I’ll allow myself to brood, to get out whatever troubles I need to, prune until I’m a fucking raisin in the bathtub, but the sadness is not allowed to stay.  Besides, if I stay consistently upset, I will never get my laundry done, and my clothes will start to smell.

And I hate that.

People might read this post, and think that it’s sad or depressing.  But even as I wrote it, I didn’t feel that way at all.  This serves more of a reflection of things I’ve felt in the past, and sometimes things I feel recently, but for the most part, optimism will conquer it all.

 

  • Awd!

    Emotions happen, it’s how we handle them I suppose. Me? When I get depressed I handle it with outrage. Probably not the way to go… But the thing is, you shouldn’t be upset over emotions, it just shows you how human you really are.

    I also have a website I rarely update… two actually… one I haven’t posted a damn thing in a year ^^; so there ya go…

  • http://twitter.com/morgan_meryl Morgan Meryl

    It’s good to be optimistic, if only to get work done. Just letting you know that your fans here love you and care about what’s going on, so just letting you know that I read this and hope you can feel better soon. Yeah, I am like this too a lot of the time, I don’t know what it is, either, but like you I can’t let it get me down. Thanks for sharing something so personal with us, I sure value that. Keep your chin up, and we’ll be there cheering you on to whatever you do — You shine like a bright bulb in an old lamp. :-)

  • Professor Otaku

    No one gets to be happy all the time. I’m likewise in a same rather bleh position, in spite of things going pretty decently. That ennui you feel is sort of normal, in a weird way. You’re never alone in feeling that way, trust me. But since I know you’re a tough lady, I’m sure you’ll get through it in the fullness of time. Good luck with all your endeavors, no matter what they are. 

  • Stuart

    I do the exact same thing. Constantly. I’m at odds and war with myself all the time because of it. It’s the battle between my charisma and my own severe lack of self-esteem. So I know pretty darn closely how you feel.

  • http://twitter.com/guedo79 Ryan B

    Just remember you are not alone.  I have the hardest time writing things and talking with people.  Somedays I can do it without a problem but others I can write a whole email or have conversation in my head but when the times comes to actually communicate I can’t get the words out.  That, and the laundry/dishes thing.  I’m right there with you.

  • Ampersand07

    I’m currently taking 40 mg of Prozac every day. In a couple days I have an appointment with my doctor to talk about upping my dosage. I see a personal counselor in addition to group therapy. I’ve never been suicidal, but being invisible would be nice.

    I say this so you know exactly where I’m coming from when I say I understand. I do know how you feel. I also know that anything I say will probably not matter to you at all. That’s the way depression is.

    Everything you’ve described sounds like a textbook case of depression. I think you should see a doctor. It isn’t easy, I know. But they may be able to help. It’s a marvelous thing when my antidepressants are working and I’m able to be myself again.

    Take care, Roses.

  • Graymorality

    I often feel and act the same way. There will be days at a time where nothing can make me happy and attempts to cheer me up can make it worse. Know that you are not alone in this

  • Anonymous

    It’s been said already, but everyone has their “can’t talk now; brooding days.”  Maybe something unpleasant happened, maybe it’s apathy…hell, maybe it’s just a really miserable day outside, and it affects your outlook on things, at least for the one day.  Whatever the cause may be, these things happen. 

    I myself was on Prozac when I was younger, to make me more outgoing, as I tended to be a hermit at nearly all times.  While I’m generally over that, I still have a LOT of trouble talking to people about my feelings.  I can listen to anyone, but it’s hard to get personal about myself.  In that respect, your blogs continue to impress me with how emotionally in-depth they are.  It can be cathartic to put your feelings to paper (or on the Internet, of course).  As usual, this was very well-written and engaging, and its upbeat ending was a nice touch.  Well done, Roses!  And remember: we’re all here for you whenever you need us.

  • Christen

    A friend of mine just posted this Cracked article on Facebook: http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-reasons-today-isnt-going-to-suck/  And I swear I’m going to be writing down bits and pieces of it on post it notes and sticking them everywhere.  You may have already read it, you are a comedian-ess of sorts, but just in case you haven’t.  Enjoy. :)

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Steve-Ericson/100001702952977 Steve Ericson

    I fought against the idea of meds for over a decade… but then I had a breakdown of sorts at my job, which nearly got me fired.  Since then, I’ve gotten on Prozac and it’s been a MAJOR turning point for me. I would suggest looking into some type of meds.

    It’s not always about a shitty attitude, or a bad childhood, or some traumatic event of the past… sometimes it really IS the chemicals in your own brain working against you. Meds can help lift some of the burdens while you start putting the pieces together.  I know that sounds lame or cliche, but it really does help with depression and anxiety disorders – its just finding the right med and the right dose, and then finding yourSELF once the chemicals start balancing out in your system.

    Rosie, you’re too awesome to let this thing beat you. Depression is real and should not be ignored, it’s a part of your makeup.. it’s taking charge of it that will bring you happiness in the long run.

    You’re smart, pretty, funny and extremely talented. Your videos and artwork had a positive effect on me, and I’ll bet it has for others too.  You rock, and you deserve some joy. Your “fans” are here for you if you need us, take the time you need to get right with yourself. We’ll be here when you’re ready to share your work with us once again

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_Q4JJMULUGCW6WL3ECUNEYHDBJQ Vash The Stampede

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  • http://twitter.com/SelinaTheCynic Selina Sipes

    Wow, they say it’s the one who laughs loudest who conceals the most pain. I’ve always liked your work, but I have to say this beyond a good essay it’s actually quite cathartic.  Over the years I’ve had similar nature smile like you mean it and as soon as the door closes brood like wild. I’ve always felt that I’m not unlike a were creature, and after a breakdown last year I sought help and have stepped forward to work on my projects and change seeing that despite all you have succeeded is very encouraging. I commend you for being yourself and making me feel a little less alone. Thank You

  • Snowtyke

    Me too