Butterfly Kisses Are Better

Written by PushingUpRoses on April 29th, 2011

I’ve been thinking a lot lately.  After much deliberation, I have come to the very essential conclusion that I in fact, do not take any kind of pleasure in what is otherwise known as “French Kissing.”  There are absolutely no physical benefits to tongue kissing, except maybe tasting the other persons saliva, and you BETTER HOPE they were not eating pizza while drinking orange juice prior the lip lock.  I’m not sure why I equate pizza and orange juice with bad things.  I think we can all agree that pizza and orange juice can be described as what vomit tastes like.   You want none of that shizz.

Let me distinguish though; open mouth kissing is entirely okay.  As long as you keep the tongue FAR AWAY FROM ME.  I’ve found this is a growing fear within me in that, every time I am kissing someone, I get completely paranoid that the person will try to slip their tongue into my mouth.   Then the kiss goes by slow and awkward, cause I am trying to keep my lips locked together and REALLY CONCENTRATE on what’s going on.  I also end up opening my eyes because I become completely distracted.  Then the other person opens their eyes, wondering what the hell is going on.  Then we stare in a embarrassed silence.  And I say something completely charming to clear the air.  “…..that was nice…..?”

….Not that I am speaking all from experience!  I’m a totally good kisser, and I don’t need to get defensive about it! (totally being defensive.)

Of course, this aversion to tongue hockey might have something to do with my first kiss incident, which went something like this.  Names will be changed to protect the dimwitted.  Let’s just call him Smelly!

(Me and Smelly are sitting on my couch in the basement.  I am 15.  Smelly is looking around with shifty eyes.)

Me:  Let’s watch a movie.

Smelly: (points somewhere behind me) LOOK OVER THERE.

Me: (Is a stupid naive teenager and looks away, interested)

Smelly: (Shoves his face into mine and gives me the most sloppy kiss ever.  Pretty sure he licked my teeth.)

Me: …..um.  Thanks.  How about Waynes World?

Needless to say, that relationship lasted a mere month or so.  Probably because he kept trying to clean out the inside of my mouth with his freaking tongue.  I honestly, genuinely, cannot find anything sexy about this.   And teeth bumping is the absolute worst.  Whenever I bump teeth with someone, I imagine two metal panels scraping together, and sparks flying around and shrieking noises happening.  Or maybe I am just nitpicking.

The moral of the story here, is wear deodorant, because if we happen to kiss in the future and I tell a story about it, I won’t choose a completely offensive and juvenile name to represent your being.  MUAH!

  • Vangelus

    Toothlicker is going to be one of my pseudonyms when I become a famous DJ.

  • http://twitter.com/RDarsque David Dewson

    Inexperienced kissers can ruin the future pleasure of this very special touch. You should never rush to the full tongue action it should begin with closed mouths and eye and must be totally relaxed the pleasure comes when you know it feels right.

    Just know that one day you will be in a kiss and everything will just feel right and the rest will just follow. Yes people trying to clean out your mouth are not kissers it's more like an oral assault :/

  • pushinguproses

    What you said was very touching! But I still hate tongue kissing. It doesn't feel right to me, even with the perfect person. I've kissed many – It's not due to inexperience, it's more due to I just HATE how it feels.

  • http://twitter.com/LibrarianMarian Marian Librarian

    I'm with you, Roses. I recently dated a bad/inexperienced kisser. I don't claim to have much game myself but my face came away wet. The tongue should be the exception (that is, saved for exceptional moments), not the rule!

    Plus, its the problem of that “make out” guy. He nods his head like he's listening but you can tell by the way he's asking that his head is saying “when can we make out? where can we make out? is this a good time to make out?” Gah.

  • Concerned Citizen

    Okay, so. This is my first time reading your blog (and I had a very unfortunate run-in with a fanfic starring you, Paw, and Todd on the way here. WRONG TURN on the interwebs!). Anyway, this is such a random topic, but I just have to say that I absolutely agree with you. I -hate- tongue kissing, and have never liked it. It's so.. I don't know. Unclean. I'm dating a girl right now who is thankfully on the same page as I am, so I hope that you have a similar experience. Anyway, just thought I'd chime in.

  • LotusPrince

    Woah, your username is totally from The Music Man! YESSSSSSSSSSSSS SIR!

  • LotusPrince

    I haven't had a kiss with tongues (only had two kisses ever, actually), and I'm glad, because the very thought of them repulses me. I never understood why someone would want to lick the inside of someone else's mouth. I'd break out a peppermint immediately, and then whatever was going on between us would come to a very abrupt and awkward end as a result. 😛

  • Jim

    I've never been a fan of the whole tongue thing when kissing. A little is ok, a lottle is not.

    On a side note, I've always thought it was funny how in movies and TV couples will wake up and start making out. If I tried to make out with my girlfriend first thing in the morning without our teeth being brushed she'd hit me.

  • Christinaarcher14

    Sarah, I love reading everything you write. It's alot more interesting than what most people post on FaceBook. Most of the things I have to read on FB are people complaining about other people which I guess I am doing right now, but at least I'm not doing it on my FB page.

    Anyways, I don't think any ones (or at least any girls) first kiss was a pleasurable experience. But I do have to agree with you on the tongue part. I never liked that feeling myself and it doesn't matter if it's with the right person cause I am married to the right person and I still dont like tongue kissing. At least not consistent tongue. I like to just give small kisses where you just keep giving little pecks and once in a while you throw in your tongue for just a second or two. But keeping your mouths opened and tongues waggling is what makes a sloppy kiss and that is just not nice. Eww! In fact I once dated a guy that would have been a very good relationship but I couldn't stay with him just because I couldn't stand the wetness of his kisses. Again, Eww!

    Tongues should go only one place but I wont elaborate cause it might be too intimate to talk about on here. Which again I am doing right now but at least I'm not going into any detail.

    So take heed Sarah, your not alone in this not liking tongue kissing thing. And keep up the great work. You're keeping me entertained which is why I joined FB in the first place! If all I wanted to do was listen to peoples bitching, I could start watching day-time television. Theres enough talk-shows where people are constantly at eachothers throats. I dont want that! I want intelligent and thought-provoking conversation about mature subjects, like KISSING! hahaha

  • Nafets920

    I like reading your posts. They remind me that looking at the world in a different way isn't a bad thing despite what people may say.

  • http://www.gamerscorner.co.uk Gamers Corner

    You're not nitpicking. Any tooth to tooth contact is baaaaaad.

  • Aagon

    (long time reader/watcher first time writer) Gotta say, I actually disagree. :3 I love tongue kissing, if it isn't sloppy. My girlfriend's actually the one who got me into it, she's a big fan as well. I guess we enjoy it more just for the intimacy we feel from it, and love that feeling. But I guess I could see why you don't like it, I used to be creeped out by the idea, but ever since she got me to try I liked it. :3 Oh well, different strokes for different folks, thatswhatshesaid, I guess. :3 Keep being awesome, later.

  • http://www.facebook.com/Caelnias Otto Rosenlund

    Hey Miss S. I was reminded about this post yesterday when I was making out (totally bragging by the way). I was reminded of this post. Not you.

    I personally like tongue-kissing, but I think it should be something that both sides have to agree on. Just because I like it, I don't force it on awkward teenagers. That sounded pervy. Anyhow, some “probing” is okay. I mean that you sort of try to offer your tongue, but don't force it into the other person's mouth. If they don't respond, never try again. They know you like it and if they like it too they'll force their tongue down your throat. It might be somewhat awkward to actually ASK someone if they would like to tongue kiss, though.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Gregory-Thomas-Bogosian/100000063000955 Gregory Thomas Bogosian

    I should remember this when I eventually make out with someone, I guess… I wonder if I could kill myself with my printer?

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Dan-Klingberg/1095501798 Dan Klingberg

    Teeth touching = Bad
    Open mouth = Always good
    Tongues = Good in moderation

    That's my deep insight into all that is kissing. I just think it's all about experimentation and getting to know what the other likes. The woman and I (I'm such a nice, affectionate guy, as you can tell) seem to have a strangely open relationship, so we tend to tell each other if we like or dislike something. I don't think experimentation ends after college/university. I think it'll always be there!

  • SUP

    tooth contact? .. i got a different mental/psychological experience when that happens ….

    a small file and that acrid taste of dental tools.

  • http://www.yousefq8.com yousefq8

    Never personally gotten any teeth contact lol, but I do enjoy tongue action. 
    Some people are into certain things and some aren’t and its up to your partner to be interested in either respecting that and not doing it, or up to you to do those things for your partner knowing that they like it even though you might not. :)

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_XXQXF2GMTU42QBZWVY67LN5F7Q ReesiePuffs

    Agreed completely. A big reason I broke it off with one of my ex’s was b/c they tried to gag me with their tongue every chance they could get. Oh, and they smelled. This post made me happy. A lot of guys like me have your back.