Living Dead Girl

Written by PushingUpRoses on June 10th, 2013

It’s about five o’clock in the morning, and outside all I hear are annoying, chirping birds.  When I was young, I used to be a very heavy sleeper;  just give me a flat pillow and a blanket and I could sleep through any natural disaster (and my noisy, sex crazed neighbors).  But over the years I seem to have lost my ability to go into a sleep coma, and now everything from happily chirping birds to a creaky misstep on the hardwood floor keeps my eyes pried open.  Have you seen A Clockwork Orange?  Yeah.  You know what I’m talking about.

So I find myself awake here in my bed, posting a blog, listening to birds.  It’s becoming really incessant now.  You know those robotic birds in Mary Poppins?  You know, during the “Spoonful of Sugar” scene?  I’m beginning to think it’s a robotic bird that will never stop its tinny chirping.  This is why people go crazy early in the morning.  Insane, robotic bird beasties.


I’m not sure how long this post will be, or how long it will take me to finish it.  I had tinkered with the idea of posting it when I returned to the internet after a long stint of health problems, but ultimately ended up waiting until now.  I wanted to make sure I was doing, overall, much better before I even attempted to put any words down.  It’s difficult when you have a lot of critical “eyes” watching you;  you almost feel like you can’t even discuss certain topics without causing a shit storm, sometimes.  But I don’t think anything should be off limits in the world of blogging or writing, and as someone who majored in fiction writing in college and was directed to write about what I know, I intend to give you just that.  A blog entry about BIRDS.

…just kidding.  See?  I haven’t even truly started this blog and I’m already trying to diffuse it with humor.

When I was very young, my parents sent me to a therapist for writing horrific things on my homework in Jr. High combined with artwork that made my poor conservative mom question, “Where did I go wrong with her?”  Since then, I’ve been diagnosed with a variety of mental disorders.  I was never really happy in school, and like most of my viewers who have felt the sting of rejection by their peers, I felt like a misfit.   I tried to fit in earlier on;  I begged my mom to buy me designer clothes (and I know how absurd this will sound, but my Jr. High peers wore Tommy Hilfigwhatever and Adidas everything, so I thought it was cool).  The biggest issue with that was I was too overweight to wear the clothes I wanted to, to fit in;  so I went the Sharon Needles route and used her brilliantly dark theory when I hit Jr. High:  “When in doubt, freak them out.”  Oh yes.  Yellow cat eye contacts, baby.  Mascara for days.  Black clothes.  Black black black and you BETTER NOT LOOK AT ME or you will get one helluva poisonous death stare.  (I wish I had pictures. ….Actually, no.  I don’t.  At all.)

It didn’t really work.  I attempted suicide at age 12.

That obviously didn’t work either.  As much as I would like to go into the things that happened between my teenage years and now, I’d rather not get a cramp by the amount of typing it would require to really elaborate.  That particular time span was filled with ugliness.  Some good, some bad, but a lot of ugliness, self doubt, and a gaping lack of motivation.  When my Dad passed away of brain cancer, a very gruesome death I witnessed in my house when I was fourteen, things took a turn for the hopeless, and I found myself messed up in a world of delusional thoughts, pills, eating disorders, and jeezus christ, whatever else you can possibly think of.  It’d be silly to say there were not good things that happened from then until now, but the good parts didn’t seem to over write the broken bits of my brain.  During college, I remember my psychiatrist wanting to put me on heavy anti-psychotics to tame my terrifying delusions.  I had a very loving boyfriend at the time who would have done just about anything for me, but unfortunately, the heavy drugs I was on left me creatively empty, exhausted, and nearly emotionless.  Feeling useless, I broke up with him after college.  The drugs did help quell the scary things I was feeling at the time, but it also left me feeling like a zombie, and I couldn’t do anything creative or worthwhile without seeing life through a thick fog.  So I stopped taking them, and never looked back.

A few years ago, after a long stint of doing very well (I restarted college, figured out what I wanted to do, and also found video making to be a good thing for me) I found myself back in a dark place.  Possibly the darkest I had ever been in.  I was suffering from almost constant delusions, night terrors, and physical pain due to other pre-existing medical conditions that I had given up on bettering, and that feeling of hopelessness slowly started to creep back in, despite being successful in school and at my new job of teaching aiding.  Even though I would never blame other people directly for the root of my issues, there were people in my life that made things difficult for me, and made me feel worthless.  People who who hurt me, but didn’t want to admit that;  so instead, put me at fault for being hurt.  For being “dramatic.”  Too emotional.  I find that I spent more time trying to repair broken bridges that people would have rather kept demolished, and all I can really say to that is:  Shame on you.  And though I can remain bitter, I realize that true friends, and genuine people will forgive you anything and stick by your side, and people who blame you for being dramatic, fucked up, or unworthy are things a poisonous, self loathing person would say in attempt to quell their own insecurities.  And I will have none of it anymore.  If someone can’t look past your scars and see a hardworking, (but obviously suffering) person, then let the bridge stay demolished, and do not look back.  People will make any excuse they can to put you in a bad light to make themselves took superior.  No matter how polished these people appear on the outside, they are grisly and ugly on the inside.

I overdosed.  I had literally snapped like a twig, and consumed so many pills that I shouldn’t have even woke up.  The only reason I did wake up, and was found, was because I was vomiting so violently everywhere.  It is said that people who go tell someone they want to end their lives do not truly wish to die;  they are reaching out for help.  For someone to stop them.  This wasn’t how I felt.  I wanted to die, and I wanted nobody to stop me, so I told nobody.  Because if I did, I risked being stopped, and I am the type of person to fixate on an idea so intently that I will not give up until it has come to fruition.  What followed the OD are some of the most painful, graphic things I have ever been through in a hospital emergency room, and I don’t care to relive them.  Let’s just say I had people working hard on me to keep me alive, and I was semi-conscious for many of their procedures.

I know that some people can’t even fathom how one can seriously consider going through a self termination attempt.  And I’m not sure if I can really explain it, and have it make sense.  I was done with everything.  I felt people hated me.  I felt I had proof that they did.  I felt I would be doing people a favor.  People can claim selfishness all they want to.  Even I am not prone to disagree with that statement;  it *is* selfish.  But when you are in such a dark, uncontrollable state, you don’t feel that way.  You genuinely feel like you are doing people a favor by ridding them of your worthless, fucked up being.  You feel like you are being thoughtful, as warped as it sounds.  I know it doesn’t make any sense, but it my mind, it was clear as crystal, and I just wanted everything to stop so I had a chance to be normal.  I physically recovered, and was put into therapy for a long time.

For a while, I was completely bitter.  I felt like someone had taken my choice away from me, and I felt trapped in a life I didn’t even want.  I was a snot to people.  I told people to fuck off.  I told nurses to blow me.  I told doctors they couldn’t fix my goddamn life and make people like me, so “leave me alone.”  You know… months of feeling that way REALLY SUCKS.

Goddamn, I look back at how I really felt and I can’t even imagine telling someone to fuck off.  Well, I mean…I COULD, but not because they were just trying to be helpful.  Christ, I was such a bitch.  And to anyone I was severely toxic to because of my own self loathing and anger:  I am so deeply sorry.

I can’t really determine the exact moment that things got better.  Here I was thinking I was going to explain some grand, epiphany moment with angels singing and birds chirping, but nope!  I got nothing.  This is highly disappointing, actually.  I’d make something up, but that’s not very genuine at all.  All I know is that after I had been suffering the consequences from those dark times, there was a point when I wanted to correct myself.  I wanted to work for it.  This may sound exceedingly silly, but while I was recovering, I was watching a LOT of RuPaul, and as campy and entertaining as he is, he is also extremely wise and inspirational.  I wouldn’t say I took all of my inspiration from him, but it accounted for a lot of it.  “You can transform yourself into anyone you want to be.”  You’re on, RuPaul.

So I took an entire summer off of school and work in hopes of getting my health back in check.  Every day, I did a new work out.  I discovered kickboxing, which I still practice.  I lost 20 pounds, my heart seemed to be beating more regularly, my skin cleared up as I introduced healthy foods into my diet, and without any friends to talk to during that entire summer, I focused very, very intently on *myself.*  Some of it was lonely, and that’s okay.  I rediscovered art, and GASP.  OUTSIDE.  Yep, I went outside sometimes.  I wore all black and dark ass sunglasses, but come on, it’s a start, right?  I also started to convince myself not to rely on others to consistently be happy.  And I am not saying that is a bad thing anyway, because let’s be realistic;  it’s far easier to feel good about yourself when you have the reassurance and support of others, versus you trying to convince you that you’re awesome.  That’s just how it is, and don’t let anyone tell you that depending on other people is wrong.  The most important thing you will do in life is create awesome, fulfilling relationships and friends.  Do not let anyone make you feel guilty for reaching out to them.  And if you reach out to a friend and they are cruel and not receptive, then they are not your friend.  The bridge.  Burn it.

But in that particular span of time, I truly needed to be alone to prove to myself that I could do it.  I could get better, I could take care of my medical conditions, and I could live a lot happier.  And when I fixate on something, I see it through until it comes to fruition.  And I did get better, and I did slowly let my good friends back into my life.  I forgave many.  Not because they necessarily deserved forgiveness, but for my own sanity.  Sometimes forgiving someone else is a good way to heal, even if you forgive them mentally, and end up never saying a word to them.

I graduated with high honors, and excelled in the business world.  And when I felt comfortable, I brought the videos back, which seem to bring me more happiness than they ever had.  I had to leave TGWTG behind (as you most know) because there was a huge mental block there, and I felt that in order to truly start over, I needed to start over with everything.  This isn’t to say I didn’t keep some of the friendships and acquaintances I met through the site.  People are more important to me than just BEING on a popular site.  But I did leave behind the mental block, and the memories associated with that time period.  I’ve made some new friends since, and have found some truly caring people in my life, and I’ve found that they have benefited me and have made me feel special.  We all need to feel special, sometimes.

I decided to get a bigger tattoo piece on my arm after I started feeling physically well again.  It’s a very spacious, colorful piece, that has gears and wires and mechanical flowers in it.  It was supposed to represent a stronger, working body.  Actual, living flowers can wilt and die away in a short period of time, but these mechanical flowers have more staying power. (But now that I think about it, techy things CAN malfunction.  Oops.)  Pretty cheesy, eh?  Regardless, I feel more beautiful than I ever had with this tattoo on my arm, and over time it will also serve as a time piece and reminder of how I proved to myself that I could pick up the pieces, and how I learned to accept the fact that I am not perfect.  I still go through dark times, I still get sad, and scared.  But everybody does.  EVERYBODY is fucked up in some way.  But it’s not our jobs to judge other people or tell other people how screwed up they are.  Worry about your damn self, because in the end, you are all you have.  People will come and go in your life.  I thought that the people I met on AOL while role playing back in the day were going to be my friends forever.  But they came and went, and I know that people I associate with now will also come and go.  But I (and my tattoos) will still be with me.  So dammit, I better take care of me.  (I know, cheesy cheese cheese. Mmm.)


My huge freakin’ tattoo.

It’s tricky to write about subjects like this.  You never know which middle aged mom will E-mail you about what a bad influence you are, after all!  Haha.  (Hah…I’m…not joking.  A middle aged mom E-mailed me and asked me to remove my Web site from the internet because I am terrible.  Ahem).  But if I could help, inspire, or give at least ONE person some hope, then this long ass blog entry was absolutely worth it.  Some entries like this end on the “woe is me” route, and “I don’t know if I’ll ever get better” route.   Not this one.  Survival of the mind is incredibly challenging, but you can get through it.  You can find something to make you feel worth while, and I believe that no mind is so broken that it cannot be fixed.  Or at least patched up.  And I don’t regret anything of the actions I have taken in the past.  I don’t even regret the fact that I may have burned bridges or offended people, because that brought me here and it all makes me this person.   And perhaps I am a little bit crazy, but if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t be me.  So you can either take that and embrace that, or leave it, and I’ll continue on with tweeting about pizza and bad computer games.  And my brain doesn’t like to believe it sometimes, but I’m a strong willed person, and no matter how many people I want to kick in the head and mouth out to, my heart remains in the right place.

Next to my lungs.



  • crazy_canuk

    You are a strong person Roses. I hope you don’t forget that.

    I hope you can keep in mind that there are LOTS of people who care for you.

    The few who don’t aren’t worth the anxiety.

  • Sims3Simbiote

    Things have progressed for me similarly– with chronic health issues and mental illness all my life. Your account of these turmoils is poignant and showcases how far you’ve come. You are inspiring and it’s an honor to have shared in your story. Thank you very much.

  • Jeremy Pierce

    I believe I once called you “one of the most awesome girls I’ve ever heard of” on your stream a LONG time ago (this was way before we were both associated with Retroware,) and by all accounts, that is still true. 😉

    Everybody goes through bullshit in their lives and it is up to each of us to reconcile and grow because of it. As someone who has felt extremely low on himself more often than not, I can empathize with your story, Roses. However, I have never had to deal with my own insecurities in the way you have, and because of that, you have my utmost respect and admiration.

    Stay awesome, and I can’t wait to see more of your work!

  • Floris / Dutchtica

    Thank you Sarah.

  • CreatureSH

    It’s going to be impossible for me to leave a comment that does what you wrote justice, but I’m going to write one, anyway.
    I think that it takes real courage and inner strength to talk so openly about your life and the times of weakness and despair in it. Reading this, I felt many times that I could relate to your struggles. Not fitting in as the overweight, weird child, escaping into a projected idea of darkness, delusional thoughts, wanting to die before life had even really begun.. All those things are very familiar to me, and make me feel some sort of kinship. Only that that is preposterous, because I can say with certainty that, even at your weakest, you were much stronger than I could ever be.
    Still, as much as it saddens me that it took so much suffering to make you the person that you are today, I amazed and inspired by this person.
    And I guess the best way to respond to what you wrote, to do it justice is to try a little harder to get my own life in order. So I’ll do that now.

    Thank you.

  • David

    There’s so much here that I can relate to. If I had been a teenager with the same attitude on life that I have now, I surely wouldn’t have made it to graduation. (Weird, since my awful school years are part of why I feel so terrible these days.) But thanks to being older and more worn out (physically and mentally), I don’t yet have the motivation to do such drastic things to myself (at least, not right now). If anything finally changes that (Sadly, I’ve no idea what the last straw will be), I want to tell you that I still appreciate the effort you took into telling me how a person can bounce back. May the worst be over for you now, and may you live a long, happy life.

  • Esper Mage

    I do appreciate you telling us all of this. I know that it takes a lot of courage to open up, particularly to strangers. It’s even harder to do so for such personal things like you mentioned in this post. However, it might not only inspire people, but also save a person’s life. (Yeah, that previous line seemed a bit sappy, but I’ll leave it in.)

    Even though my own struggles are different, there are parts that are similar to yours. I just wish that I was as strong as you are.

  • Kris P

    We have a lot in common roses, let me just say your strength give me strength. Thanks for writing this so I feel less alone.

  • Dan

    Being bullied all of my life, not having any friends other than my Legos and video games, I can empathize with you. I can never understand, no one truly can, they can fake it and say they do.

    As you said, everyone is fuck up, we all are. Although I do not really know you and have only become public rather than ghosting every site for years, I feel like I have gotten to know you in a sense through your streams and videos. I feel like you are a wonderful person and that if you lived around me, my wife and I would love to be your friend!

    Remain strong, so many people love you for who you are and what you do. I hope I get to know you better, you kick ass!

  • LotusPrince

    This isn’t the first time I’ve said this, but I’m constantly awed and impressed with your ability to put such heartfelt things on paper – er, figurative paper, anyway. You are always an inspiration. :)

  • Cferra

    Roses, don’t let anyone tell you that you aren’t a strong person because you definitely are. Everyone has something that they wish they could change or have some things in their life that’s a sad event. I’ve had my fair share of ups and downs as well. Believe me. You’re a strong person for coming to grips with everything and posting it here. I feel like we all know you a bit better now. Just take care of yourself and remember that while there were sad events in the past, there is a wonderful future ahead of you.

    That’s what got me through my own hard times and I’ve had to deal with insane amounts of prejudice just because I have hearing aids. Life can be hard. But, it’s important to remember that some people out there are an inspiration like Lotus Prince said. And I agree with him. =)

  • MusaG00

    Thank you for sharing, Roses…You really are a beautiful person, inside and out.


  • plsburydoughboy

    *hugs* just read this now.

  • Sam Pagano

    It takes guts to write something like this, I really can’t write anything that would show the proper respect you deserve for being so open with your fans.

  • James

    I read your post this morning and I’ve been looking for the words I want to use since then. It’s been hours and my thoughts are only barely more organized than they were when I originally read this. I’ve never had to personally go through the depths of despair and depression that you have, but I’ve experienced the edges vicariously through my best friend. I’ve known her for 15 years now and have been through some truly horrific points in her life with her, including several suicide attempts. With determination, friendship, time and more than a few stumbles along the way, she is currently married and happy, though there are moments where her mental disorder still causes bouts of paranoia or depression. I truly respect the strength and will it takes to recover from that point in your life. After reading your experiences, I had to contact her this morning just to tell her that I love her and am glad things turned out so well.

    I know that strength comes from within and am constantly astounded by people like you who show the desire and drive to make your lives better, circumstances be damned. I hope you have found true friends that will stick with you through the good and bad times you have in your future. It’s good that you’ve learned to forgive the ones who were unable to value and support you through the terrible moments you described. Truthfully, I believe it is their loss as I have learned from my own experiences that people who have lived through the experiences you have are some of the most creative, intelligent, humorous, thoughtful and loyal friends anyone could hope to have.

    I think I’ve managed to get the most important of my thoughts out, though they are probably more fragmented than I’d like them to be. I wish you good fortune on your road ahead, though your past shows that you have the fortitude to continue regardless. Thank you for sharing your story.

    To end on a more selfish (and hopefully lighter) note, I hope that I get the chance to talk to you in person at least once. Anyone with the courage to share a story like yours is well worth meeting.

  • Shadowflame

    You have a lot of people who are grateful and relieved that you’re still around, and even us strangers account for that. I’ve never even met you, and still you have an impact on my life for the better – and I’m sure I’m not the only one to feel that way.

    You are both admirable and inspirational, and all the more for the struggles you’ve gone through and beaten. Keep it up, and keep strong – no matter how many people (including your own mind) tell you otherwise, you are a -good- thing for this world, and I hope you always remember that.

  • Sutter Cane

    My first reaction to reading all of that is to give you a big internet hug. I understand what it’s like to be at the end of your rope, and completely fed up with living. I suffered from some pretty serious depression for quite a while (as Snarky, Wade-Deadpool, Average Gamer and numerous others from the spoonyexperiment forums can attest to. A lot of us over there really miss you btw). I also understand what it’s like to watch a parent slowly die of cancer as well. She died when I was 15, and after that point my Dad kind of just stopped trying and I kind of ended up falling through the cracks. Things have started getting a bit better for me too though. I’ve worked hard to get over my depression, and I’m currently taking stpes to move forward in other aspects of my life too. Like you said, it can be done! I guess the last thing I can really add is something I’m sure you’re already painfully aware of, and that’s regardless of the number of people you may have offended somehow, or the number of bridges you’ve burned, you still have tons of fans and people around you that are willing to help out in anyway they can.

    -Sutter Cane

  • Jay Thomas

    Wow, you are a great writer

  • PushingUpRoses

    Thank you very much. My Dad was a brilliant writer; when I was young I found a few of his journals and wanted to become one myself. I majored in fiction writing, but found out over time that it wasn’t going to be a career for me. I’m glad I have this blog and my video game review scripts as an option.

  • Jay Thomas

    True, and you don’t want to necessarily want to make it a career, depending on how you like to write. I was just lucky to get a job where I can do what I dig and get paid. Keep writing, it’s always an interesting read.

  • Demonomaniac

    I’m not very good with words, especially the heartfelt kind, but I’ll just say that it takes a lot of guts to go through that and then share it with the world. Having struggled with depression as far back as I can remember, this was inspiring. Keep winning the long fight.

  • Alandree

    You are very brave to share this, Roses. This was a beautifully written entry, and I want to thank you for staying on this earth with us. I know what suicidality is like, and it takes immense inner power to push through it and keep going like you have.

  • PushingUpRoses

    Thank you, Dan. I appreciate your support here, and also over on Retroware. :)

  • PushingUpRoses

    Thanks, Jeremy. Interesting that we both ended up on Retroware, yeah? :)

  • Hydra


    Thank you for this. I have been off work for six weeks now, struggling with mental health issues of my own. I have been trying to take things one day at a time, but I feel like the healthcare system in my country is really dropping the ball on this one. Can you believe that my psychologist actually told me last week that the only way I can see a psychiatrist without a waiting list is to go to an Emergency Room and tell them that I’m suicidal??? As you no doubt know, sometimes even just reading words you can empathize with can make your day that much more bearable. I just wanted to thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for being the awesome, inspirational chick you are. Not only do your struggles with these issues ring true to me, but I also cannot help but notice our affinities for many of the same things. I also grew up on Sierra games, and was never really respected by my peers. In elementary school, I was “that nerdy kid”; in high school that “gothic drag queen fagboy” to my contemporaries. Oddly enough, I was also doing the rounds of the AOL chat circuit, and specifically the Red Dragon Inn. While I cannot claim to remember you (as much as I would love to lie and say that I do :D) I actually distinctly recall the fellow you mentioned in one of your previous blog posts about the chat: the one who was always grabbing unsuspecting chicks by the back of the hair and forcing himself upon them. Him notwithstanding, I met a lot of interesting people in that room, and it was really the first time that I felt like there were other people in this world of ours going through the same things as I was, and who wouldn’t judge me just for being me. I guess what I am trying to say in this long-winded post is that you have, in recent months, conjured up the exact same sensations. Sometimes it can mean a lot to a person just to renew that sense of being accepted, even if it is through the words of an internet “celebrity”. I just wanted to let you know that you have a HUGE, life-long fan in me. There have been a few times where I have been feeling pretty low, and the sound of your beautiful voice, or you laughing like a fool at some stupid thing Pac Man did truly has brightened up my day. So thank you, and *hugs*.


  • Misha Mayhem

    Thank you for sharing this with your fans, Sarah. I think that a majority of fans probably think that all contributors live charmed lives, with no problems, because they’re on a popular website and have droves of fans. However, they rarely get to see the human side of these people. Justifiably so, though. I mean, I can’t imagine wanting fans to know ALL THE THINGS about your personal life, all the time. Plus, it’s none of their business. But when something like this is shared, it’s a rare treat, and it also helps people to realize where, exactly, you’ve come from, why you are who you are now, and that your life isn’t without problems, despite the mentality that it is, that they have. It also shows relatability. Let’s face it. As much as we don’t want to admit it’s true, a lot more people suffer from mental illness, than there is discussed. And sometimes, relating to someone like you, is helpful, to get the help that one needs, and for someone to feel like they’re not alone.

    With all that being said, thank you, again, for sharing this. Continue to take care of your beautiful self. I wish you all the best! :) *hug*

  • undeadaRTie

    Roses, you are simply an amazing person. For all you went through and for who you are.
    May your resolve and creativity (and enthusiasm for pizza and bad computer games) stay strong with you henceforth. And may you always have the right people to fall back on to help you.

  • Josh Garrett

    I completely feel your pain, my teenage years and most of my 20’s were filled with self hatred and lack of creativity due to heavy medication and traumatic events. I guess the whole 30 is the new 20 is exactly right for folks like us. I have schizo affective disorder myself, mental illness is nothing to fuck with and it seems there is way too large of a number of people in this world that seem to think its not real and just make it worse on us. Also, like a lot of people have told you and I’m sure you realize this now, there are a lot of people who care about you and want you to be happy. You remind me a lot of my ex Cyndi, you are both amazing people with loads of potential, I think you two could have been sisters in a past life.

  • sasha

    i know what its like, everything u said. i feel it too… everyday. i only stop myself from dying out of fear of the unknown…its a scary place, im glad ur out of it

  • Segatron

    You’ve entrusted a lot to us, putting this on the site. Thank you for that trust.

    I’ve been to that dark place, it’s Hellish to be sure. It’s something you just can’t really adequately describe. You were either there at a time of your life, or you weren’t. Getting out of there was on of the hardest things I ever did in my life.

    I’m glad you are still with us, and I admit, there is no guarantee that I can avoid fading out like the other internet people you’ve met. But It is good now, while it is happening.

    And maybe, if we try hard enough, we can at least keep the laughs when we go on. Or at least remember how the clockwork rose was more powerful than a clockwork orange.

    Dangit! Look at all this philosophy I’m spewing willy-nilly, sorry about your rug.

  • The West Indian Jedi

    Hi Roses. You had some thoughtful insights about friendships and people that applied to my life as well.

    I recently had a tiff with a female friend I went to college with. The friendship went on okay for 10 years without any problems.

    But I noticed that this friend (who was from Hong Kong, China) never returned any of my e-mails. I was in an employment rut in 2010 and needed someone to talk to.

    Later on, when I got myself back on my feet, I meet a girl I was attracted to. I did something stupid to her and risked losing my friendship with her.

    I phoned my other friend who I went to college with about it about and she snapped at me, saying that I “think too much” and “too emotional”.

    I tried to make it up to this friend, but things only got worse.

    I haven’t spoken to this person in over a year and was thinking of mending that friendship, but thanks to you, I’m convinced I made the right decision by ending it.

  • RubbaNoze

    Thank you for sharing so much of your personal ups and downs so openly, always find such things admirable :)
    As for myself, especially the forgiveness part is a lesson I finally learned in the last few months pretty well. Cheesy as it sounds, the impetus was a song by Killswitch Engage, “All we have”. Something stirred inside me. At the time, I was reading “The ethical Slut”, which also did it’s part to loosen hardened thoughts&feelings. So after about half a year ignoring certain people I was very lose with back then, because I was too disappointed and stubborn, I got to contact them again, at least for some closure. Holding a grudge is just punishing oneself. I am responsible for my emotions, and so is everyone for his/hers.

    Anyway, after reading this blog, I feel the need to hug you, a lot :)

  • David Schwartz

    I want to thank you for sharing this with all of us. It must have been hard to say things out in the open like this.
    I have dealt/am dealing with depression, and what you wrote really touched me.

    If I ever meet you in person, I will thank you again.

    There is so much more I want to say, but I do not know how to express my thoughts at the moment.


    aka sabbathunter
    aka DarthDavid_ooc on IRC

  • Mike Perron

    Having been through my own issues with depression and failed suicide attempt, the part that stuck out to me was “And I’m not sure if I can really explain it, and have it make sense.”

    That really is the crux of writing something like this, in my opinion. It is not a rational thought, it is not something that can be explained. Everyone sees and experiences the world themselves. The good and the bad, for some what you went through may have brushed off their shoulders (in no terms making them a “better person” or anything). For others, it may have crushed them worse then anything that it did to you. Unless you can experience EVERY moment of a person’s life there is no way to truly get what they are experiencing. You can do your best to understand and empathize, but it’s not the same thing.

    Mental health issues have such horrible stigmas attached to them. You can’t talk to some people about being depressed or suicidal without it completely effecting their perception of you. I have a Psychology degree (I am in no way claiming expertise though), and it really opened my eyes to the way people are. We spoke at lengths in a couple classes about public perceptions. There are so many messed up reactions, people telling you to “just walk it off” (although sunlight and exercise have been shown to help, which makes this patronizing but possibly helpful advice), or that “you have no right to feel that way” (I dealt with this one a bit, being a middle class white male in Canada).

    I bring these up, 2 points up to explain where I am coming from for my post. It takes some real balls (lady balls?) to write something like this. To throw it out there and say here is what happened. I can’t do that with everyone. I have found my way through it, which was my specific way. You do whatever you have to.

    Thank you for being honest, and providing your audience with an example. Not necessarily to do exactly what you did, but to show that it can be talked about. It really is the only way to bring it “out of the closet.”

    PS: Great title

  • Johannes Suoranta

    Depression, alienation and general not-knowing-which-way-is-up-and-which-down-ness can royally screw one up. I, too, have experience in that field. Being an outsider growing up and still surrounded with friends was somewhat confusing, but for me, the major screw-job was my first love.

    Delicious cheese over here too, especially due to the fact that THIS post proceeds THIS blog entry. But. I draw inspiration from you. Have ever since I found your and Paw’s Quest for Glory LP. It is the joy. That inspires me, not letting the spirit wane and the form appear.

    So only kicks you’ll get from me are just kicks or in a close proximity with “start”. I think I can speak on behalf of most people who read this post all the way through. After all, we are all like Bowie put it, “cracked actors.”

    But you are also a beautiful human bean.

  • Chris Rupp

    Roses, No idea if you’re even going to see this but, here goes.
    You’re a pretty awesome person, I must say. I’m sorry that your dad died when you were that young. Right now I’m going through a similar situation as that, (I’m 15 just to note) and can completely sympathize with what you went through. You are one of the prestigious few that give me hope for the world. During my early school years, I was, of course the misfit. I live in a city full of rich white kids, and being poor doesn’t really help. If you don’t have the latest crap, you aren’t a human. (Basically your cliche-bitch character from an 80’s high school romp.) By about 2nd grade I actually made ONE whole friend. Yay. Fourth grade, I got mad at something and threw a chair and busted a window. EXPELLED.Enter Fifth grade. New school, new people, I get by the next 3 years as a class clown, finally a bit popular. Then 8th grade, lets just say, I quit being popular. I got tired of the thing that sparked my pre-adolescent rage in the first place. Having knowing how to build a PC by age 7, owning the first 3 Nintendo consoles, and an above-average IQ, I natrually, sat with the nerds. All of the sudden, everyone found every little thing wrong with me and tried to use it against me. This put me in a reclusive state. I took shelter in the bottomless pit of information that is:

    THE INTERNET!!!!1!!!!!!!1#4

    I read up on theology, philosophy, and various other topics. During this period I bought a guitar for $7 at a garage sale, with only 4 strings and hole in it. I got new strings and learned how to play.This also got me back into music, especially Nirvana, Nine Inch Nails, Marylin Manson, and other artists blamed for Columbine.
    So I was pretty good in my little bubble. Then my dad died of stoumach cancer. Unlike you, I didn’t see it, god I couldn’t imagine it. I moved out of my bubble into a steel cage. I stayed there until the following summer, I met my friend Aaron. He helped get my mind off of things, we built a guitar, (I call it The Nudist, clear pickguard) him being a drummer we learned a few songs. With this, I found my outlet for all my frustrations. Music. No longer would I sit on my ass and lament in protest. I would make something good out of something, well, not so. So over the past few months, I’ve written a EP of good songs (Another Ep of questionable material) and stopped caring at all what people say or think about me, unless they have a intelligent argument of course. I pulled a few stunts in my newfound sense of liberation. PRIME FUCKING EXAMPLE BEING: Spreading gay rumors about myself to freak out the homophobes. One literally ran away from me.(XD) Now to the point of this whole Magnum Opus of probably pointless crap. I started watching you around the time my dad died, and you’re one of the people who helped a lot.
    Especially after I found out about your dad. I felt sort of a connection, like one does with that song that perfectly describes a situation they’re in right now. So in the the most cliche in short ever produced my homo-sapiens:


    Oh, have a koala.

  • Wayne Becker

    Thank you for sharing that, Roses. Your videos have always improved my mood, (your cheerful attitude in your videos helps a lot.) But now you’ve given me some hope that there is a way out of this misery I have been dealing with for so long. I hope someday I can have a friend like you. :)

  • AnthonyK1

    I know this post is a bit old now, but I finally had the time to sit down and read a lot more on the web. I could go through and say “I went through a lot of this too,” but everything that happens…it’s different to everyone.

    I’m definitely thankful for this post. I still end up in a rut from time to time and I think my biggest issue fighting back from is the loneliness. I never really thought of it as a chance to just focus on myself and work on my myself. I’m definitely going to use that time I have as time to focus now. I always thought it was weird to me, but I ended up forgiving people over the last couple years myself and never thought too deep into it, but it makes sense.

    Thank you so much for sharing all of this. :)

  • Julio mireles

    Thank you so much for the post.

    I absolutely agree about ending friendships that aren’t beneficial. If they can’t forgive or at least understand your moment’s of sadness or anger, then they aren’t good friends. I recently ended a good friendship because of that very reason. I lost really the only friend I’ve ever had, but I’ve taken it as an opportunity to try to better myself mentally and physically. I absolutely agree with everything you’ve said. I’ve realized friendship are important but if you don’t love yourself then its going to be that much more difficult to have healthy relationships. So I’m going to try to better myself and find friends who actually understand or at least empathize where I’m coming from.

    Thank you so much. Just remember your not the only who feels like that. There is whole world of loners and weirdos out there and if you give even a fraction of them some solace, then your doing good work and can take pride in that.

    Keep up the good work!

  • Ian

    Well in the fifth grade, I also had such dal actions. I had one friend and he left me. I started cutting myself to guilt him him into being friends with me. In the 6th grade I realized I was really funny and everyone loves me. I kind of ish know what loneliness feels like, but not as much as you. I hate to day this, but a lot of times I worry about. Even though your just a personality on the Internet (no homo)

  • Ian

    Ok look, life is beautiful, their is no after life, if you die their will be nothingness. Dint kill you self, kepeesh? Ok. Gracias y adios mi amigo.