Lyrical Inadequacies [Part 1]

Written by PushingUpRoses on May 13th, 2010

Let’s waste no time here: ever wonder what happened to decent lyrics?  I am a huge, huge music nerd, and a crucial element for me in any music, is lyrical content.  Censored, uncensored, whatever – as long as it strikes a chord with me.  These days nothing seems to strike a chord, and I strain to find lyrics that are halfway decent, let alone make any sense.  Artists can get away with spewing just about anything these days as long as it has a rockin’ beat and gives people something to agitate to.   And my god, they do.  Lyrics have become so absurd these days, that I was inspired to waste more of my precious time in dedicating a random list of the most moronic lyrics ever spouted by man.

“Zip your lips like a padlock.”

-Ke$ha, “Blah Blah Blah”

This entire song is filled with absolutely atrocious lyrics.  First of all…FIRST of all, you can’t zip a padlock! It’s a padlock!  Padlocks have keys!  You can lock them, or unlock them.  Sometimes you can break them, but you cannot zip them.  I guess education was not a top priority for this woman. However, if you find a way to zip your lips like a padlock, dear Ke$ha, I won’t complain further.

“Nigga please, I’m the macaroni with the cheese.”

-Puff Daddy, “Been Around the World”

…Um, okay. If you insist. Cheesy IS a good word to describe Puff Daddy. Or P. Diddy. D. Piddy? Doesn’t matter. Man, I love macaroni and cheese! I’m currently in a heated debate on which is better: Kraft, or Stouffer. I think Stouffers wins. …..What were we talking about? Oh yeah.

That’s stupid.

“Leaving was never my proud.”

-REM, “Leaving New York”

Okay, before I go any further, I just want to say that I love REM. I think they are artsy, versatile with their music, and not too commercial or too obscurely underground. That being said: Michael Stipe: WHY Why did you fragment this sentence? I know you are trying to be poetic, but it grates me! Sometimes too artsy is too….ridiculous. Never my proud? Never my proud what? You win this time, Stipe…but only because this is an amazing song, I like a man with a bald head.

“2 and 2, i’m gon’ undress you, then we gonna go 3 and 3, you gon’ undress me, then we gonna go 4 and 4, we gon’ freak some more!”

-Pitbull, “Hotel Room Service”

Five and five!….

…fuck this. It’s just stupid. Good job, Pitbull. You know what numbers are.

I could probably put the entire song up and use it as painstaking BAD lyrics. Nothing says it’s okay to cheat on your significant other in a sleazy hotel room quite like this tune.

“If you likin’ this position, you can tape it on your video phone.”

Beyonce’ feat Lady Gaga, “Video Phone”

Huh? When did Beyonce’ become a porn star, exactly? This entire song is about..well, from what I make of it, taping Beyonce’ using a phone that has video recording capabilities. You can’t touch her! No no, don’t even try to make a move. However, you -can- record her acting like a slut. Totally acceptable.

“Strap your hands cross my engines.”

-Bruce Springsteen, “Born to Run”

Hehehehe. Whatever you say, Boss. Gigglesnort.

“She blew my nose, then she blew my mind”

-The Rolling Stones, “Honky Tonk Woman”

Maybe it was not radio friendly enough to swap “nose” with a different appendage that I thought of. Or maybe Mick Jagger is a creepy gym teacher type and has a fetish for women who forcefully shove hankys up his nostrils and make him blow boogers. I’ll have to try that sometime.

“Baby, you lookin fire hot,  I have you open all night like you IHOP.”

I have no idea whether this song is trying to be funny, or ironic, or sexy, or what. But IHOPs are not very sexy, and they always screw up my Omelettes. I assume they are making food metaphors that symbolize getting your freak on, but I can only think about Chinese carry out when I hear this song. Why are so many songs about food!?! Stop it!

“Fill another cup up, feelin on yo butt, what?”

-Jamie Foxx, “Blame it.”

…………………………………………..

What what, in the butt?

Because she’s mine, the doggone girl is mine, don’t waste your time, because the doggone girl is mine. Mine mine, mine mine mine…(the doggone girl is mine)”

-Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson, “The Girl is Mine”

Dogonnit!!!! The girl is dagblastit friggin mine! Mine! The girl is mine. Doggonit. Mine. The Doggone girl is mine. Mine mine mine mine mine mine minelijfkledhgksuhegpgujhpaiohg.

This concludes part one. What you got, people? Throw some goofy lyrics my way!

  • thewindowkeeper

    As much as I love Abandoned Pools, the chorus of “Renegade” annoys me: “Like a wrecking ball, I'm on a string, I'm a renegade, who wants to get sucked.” It annoys me because it's written “stomped,” but that's not what he's singing.

    “A Horse with No Name” has another one: “There were plants and birds and rocks and things…” Ummm… great, what type of things? Camel Spiders? Fire Ants? Angry Djinns? (Sorry, I just saw the first two “Wishmaster” movies, and I've been making fun of the second all day.)

    “An Ode to No One” by The Smashing Pumpkins: “I took a Virgin Mary ax to her sweet baby Jane.” “Scratch my face with anvil hands and coil my tongue around a bumblebee mouth.” Maybe I'm missing something, but WTF do these lines even mean?

    Finally, the entirety of Rammstein's “Feuer und Wasser.” Not because it doesn't make sense, but to borrow a “Phantasmagoria 2″ line, it's “Wrong. SICK AND WRONG!”

  • LotusPrince

    This article is BRILLIANT. I love close analysis of stupid lyrics like these. Well done!

  • pushinguproses

    Hahaha, thanks! There should be a part 2 at some point.

  • paw

    Meet me out back with the jack and the jukebox!

  • http://twitter.com/khakhov Khadeja Merenkov

    oh my god, thank you so much for including that “zip your lips like a padlock” lyric. It has been bothering me for SO LONG and the other people I know who have heard the song think I am dumb for obsessing over it. But really! It's SO DUMB!

  • neoscriptor

    Bruce is the man! But yeah that song has a lot of .. interesting .. lyrics.

    Manfred Mann's cover of “Blinded By the Light” is another song where the lyrics are written one way, but sound completely different! (Once again, thanks to old Brucie).

    Though it's written “revved up like a deuce,” I will never unhear “wrapped up like a douche.”

    http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=

  • Biscuit

    Zip your lips like a padlock? She must have wrote that lyric herself and let her writers write “Blah blah blah” because blah was too hard for her to write.

  • TheSettingSun

    A list of nonsense lyrics without any Beatles?

  • pushinguproses

    Not on this part, nope. Probably in the next part. I can't list EVERY odd lyric! There's millions!

  • crash

    http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/modestmouse/blac

    Honestly I love the song Black Cadillacs by Modest Mouse, but it sounds like they took random phrases and threw them together. The chorus does not correlate at all.

  • Bushido

    Yes, I'm late to the lyrical party, but speaking of parties, i heard this song during my birthday party. It's a massive club-banger that got everyone wild.

    The song is, “All I do is win” by DJ Khaled. Here's the 'wha?' line.

    “When I step up in the building, everybody's hands go up….[pause]…AND THEY STAY THERE!”

    “(yeah) AND THEY STAY THERE!” (repeat)

    “up down, up down, up down, up down…”

    wait, didn't he just say the hands stay up?

  • skipperZ

    Can I just point out for those of us in the international audience, that while I certainly don't _mind_ missing out on Ke$ha, videos with Vevo content are (apparenlty) blocked in a vast number of countries not the US.

    And, um. Some of us don't listen to enough current pop music to have heard, say, video phone and were actually wondering about the context of said lyrics. O:)

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  • electronsexparty

    I'm late to the party because I just started reading your site. (And, man, have I've been missing out!) These are some of my favorite WTF lyrics for your consideration.

    Lost – Gorilla Joe feat. Lil Wayne
    “Trapped in a maze/ therefore I am amazing”

    MacArthur Park – Donna Summers
    Someone left the cake out in the rain/I don't think I could take it, `cause it took so long to bake it/And I'll never have that recipe again, oh no!

    (Though this song did spawn one of my favorite Weird Al parodies.)

    And, well, that's all I can think of at the moment. I thought for sure I could come up with more. Oh well. Cheers!

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  • AcidReign

    Im going to kohls tomorrow to buy new pants because i shit in mine laughing so hard. Thank you.