Let’s waste no time here: ever wonder what happened to decent lyrics? I am a huge, huge music nerd, and a crucial element for me in any music, is lyrical content. Censored, uncensored, whatever – as long as it strikes a chord with me. These days nothing seems to strike a chord, and I strain to find lyrics that are halfway decent, let alone make any sense. Artists can get away with spewing just about anything these days as long as it has a rockin’ beat and gives people something to agitate to. And my god, they do. Lyrics have become so absurd these days, that I was inspired to waste more of my precious time in dedicating a random list of the most moronic lyrics ever spouted by man.
“Zip your lips like a padlock.”
-Ke$ha, “Blah Blah Blah”
This entire song is filled with absolutely atrocious lyrics. First of all…FIRST of all, you can’t zip a padlock! It’s a padlock! Padlocks have keys! You can lock them, or unlock them. Sometimes you can break them, but you cannot zip them. I guess education was not a top priority for this woman. However, if you find a way to zip your lips like a padlock, dear Ke$ha, I won’t complain further.
“Nigga please, I’m the macaroni with the cheese.”
-Puff Daddy, “Been Around the World”
…Um, okay. If you insist. Cheesy IS a good word to describe Puff Daddy. Or P. Diddy. D. Piddy? Doesn’t matter. Man, I love macaroni and cheese! I’m currently in a heated debate on which is better: Kraft, or Stouffer. I think Stouffers wins. …..What were we talking about? Oh yeah.
“Leaving was never my proud.”
-REM, “Leaving New York”
Okay, before I go any further, I just want to say that I love REM. I think they are artsy, versatile with their music, and not too commercial or too obscurely underground. That being said: Michael Stipe: WHY Why did you fragment this sentence? I know you are trying to be poetic, but it grates me! Sometimes too artsy is too….ridiculous. Never my proud? Never my proud what? You win this time, Stipe…but only because this is an amazing song, I like a man with a bald head.
“2 and 2, i’m gon’ undress you, then we gonna go 3 and 3, you gon’ undress me, then we gonna go 4 and 4, we gon’ freak some more!”
-Pitbull, “Hotel Room Service”
Five and five!….
…fuck this. It’s just stupid. Good job, Pitbull. You know what numbers are.
I could probably put the entire song up and use it as painstaking BAD lyrics. Nothing says it’s okay to cheat on your significant other in a sleazy hotel room quite like this tune.
“If you likin’ this position, you can tape it on your video phone.”
Beyonce’ feat Lady Gaga, “Video Phone”
Huh? When did Beyonce’ become a porn star, exactly? This entire song is about..well, from what I make of it, taping Beyonce’ using a phone that has video recording capabilities. You can’t touch her! No no, don’t even try to make a move. However, you -can- record her acting like a slut. Totally acceptable.
“Strap your hands cross my engines.”
-Bruce Springsteen, “Born to Run”
Hehehehe. Whatever you say, Boss. Gigglesnort.
“She blew my nose, then she blew my mind”
-The Rolling Stones, “Honky Tonk Woman”
Maybe it was not radio friendly enough to swap “nose” with a different appendage that I thought of. Or maybe Mick Jagger is a creepy gym teacher type and has a fetish for women who forcefully shove hankys up his nostrils and make him blow boogers. I’ll have to try that sometime.
“Baby, you lookin fire hot, I have you open all night like you IHOP.”
I have no idea whether this song is trying to be funny, or ironic, or sexy, or what. But IHOPs are not very sexy, and they always screw up my Omelettes. I assume they are making food metaphors that symbolize getting your freak on, but I can only think about Chinese carry out when I hear this song. Why are so many songs about food!?! Stop it!
“Fill another cup up, feelin on yo butt, what?”
-Jamie Foxx, “Blame it.”
What what, in the butt?
Because she’s mine, the doggone girl is mine, don’t waste your time, because the doggone girl is mine. Mine mine, mine mine mine…(the doggone girl is mine)”
-Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson, “The Girl is Mine”
Dogonnit!!!! The girl is dagblastit friggin mine! Mine! The girl is mine. Doggonit. Mine. The Doggone girl is mine. Mine mine mine mine mine mine minelijfkledhgksuhegpgujhpaiohg.
This concludes part one. What you got, people? Throw some goofy lyrics my way!