I have a secret.
Well, it’s not actually a secret. It’s more of a fantasy. Ever since I was a little girl…I’ve always wanted to be…
(insert really really long awkward pause, and a cymbal crash)
….What!?!? Don’t you ridicule, now! Everyone has fantasies about being someone else, after all. Some people want to be famous athletes, some people want to be actors and actresses, some people want to be a transvestite…it’s all good! *I* have always wanted to be a detective.
I can’t really offer a great explanation as to why, except I think being obsessed with Law and Order as a tyke had some effect on me. I used do, and still do actually, adore that show. Even though the original seemed to spawn a million carbon copies of itself, like “Criminal Intent” and “Special Victims Unit”, I will always be a fan girl of the original series.
I even started writing my own mystery short stories as a preteen: The Adventures of Mrs. Maple. Which is clearly in no way, shape or form, a complete rip-off of Miss Marple by famed mystery writer, Agatha Christie. Obviously.
How I fantasized about being a great detective, always going on adventures with my sidekick (gotta have a sidekick) and my neat detective hat and fashionable trench coat. I would be the most famous detective, traveling around the world, working for Scotland Yard, and eating bagels. Cops eat donuts. Detectives eat bagels. I would even have my very own detective lamp!:
I am very certain Eddie, the main character in “Who Framed Roger Rabbit”, had this exact lamp on his desk. I will always equate lamps of this style to crime fighting. Thus, I must have one. I am currently accepting lamp donations. Please see my contact page.
Alas, my career in crime was not going anywhere, so I needed to find other ways of stimulating my affection for mystery. I was about to abandon hope, until I found this:
Eagle Eye Mysteries for the PC!!!
There seemed to be a certain time when mystery games for the PC became really popular. Eagle Eye Mysteries, published by EA Kids, was an educational game that allowed the player to be an amateur detective, solving simple (and possibly harmless) crimes. The simulation was amazing to me, being only nine or ten at the time I played. The game kept me occupied for years and really fulfilled my lust for mystery games. As I got older though, these child games no longer suited me.
When I hit my awkward teenage years, I found other, more mature games to satisfy my hunger. I started playing Laura Bow 2: The Dagger of Amon Ra.
Now, hear me when I tell you how deceptive this game actually is. The graphics are very cartoony, friendly, and fun. During the first part of the game, I was having a ball picking up clues, talking to people, and progressing in the game. And then…
YOU FIND A FUCKING CORPSE IN A MUMMY’S COFFIN IN THE NEXT ACT.
I was so freaked out, especially after playing through the very very sugary sweet first act. Maybe I was not ready to be a super sleuth after all. Not only could I not eat anything red for months after this game, but my love for mystery in general dwindled for MONTHS!
I did end up going back to the game a couple years later, and got through it. Barely. This game pretty much proved to me that I would make the least successful detective on the planet. At the end of the game, there is this test you have to take to see how well you payed attention. Not only did I get every question wrong, but my character got murdered at the end because I let the killer get away! RATS.
Okay, so I admit it. I’m the worst detective ever. But it doesn’t detract my love for a great mystery, and sometimes I still fantasize about being a gumshoe. Even if it means I have to go play some Carmen Sandiego to feed my need for crime solving. At twenty five years old, I wonder if it is too late to hone my sleuthing skills. I am pretty sure if I just had that detective lamp, I would be the best there is.
Or I would get killed for letting a vicious serial killer away.
Maybe some day.