Tell Me What You Want, What You Really Really Want

Written by PushingUpRoses on November 17th, 2010

Everyone wants things.  I want things!  I want a ton of things.  I am going to write a list of things I want.

First of all, this painting by Renoir.  I *love* this painting.  Now, I never had a great relationship with my mother.  It is what it is, basically.  We love each other, and sometimes we see eye to eye, but for the most part, we like to keep a healthy distance.  This painting, however, sends me back in time to when I was a little girl and my mom was my best friend.  The painting isn’t so much some brush strokes on a canvas as it is a snapshot of when things were less dramatic.
Plus, it’s damned pretty.

I have to admit…those little girls eyes stare right into your soul, BURNING your BRAIN with her demonic little girl orbs of sizzling EVIL and — eh?  Oh.  Sorry.

Little girls just make everything more creepy.  ….Why did I want this painting again?  Or, right, the completely sincere excerpt I wrote not two minutes ago.  My bad.

I want a domesticated fox.   Wondering what to get me for Christmas?   Think I’m a tough buy?  Well I have solved all of those issues by asking for a pet fox.

How can you possibly resist that!?!  Foxes of any breed have got to be one of the cutest animals on the planet (right next to moose.  They’re so dopey).  If I get one, I could name it Tails! Because I am not completely lame and unoriginal like that.  I really don’t have much more to say on that matter.  I would probably be just as thrilled with a puppy, to be honest.  Any kind of cuddly animal thing I can cuddle at night would be great.  (Please don’t dress up as a fox and offer to cuddle me.  I’ll know the difference.)

I also want A LOVER WHO WON’T DRIVE ME CRAZY! Some girl who knows the meaning of ah- HEY HIT THE HIIIGHWAY!

….Dear god, did I just quote John Mellencamp?  …I……I’m sorry.  I don’t know what came over me, there.
To be completely honest, I’ve been wondering a lot about the concept of “open relationships”, and how they suit peoples life styles.  The fact of the matter is, I have become utterly too independent for my own good.  Not saying this is a bad thing (ALL THE WOMEN WHO ARE INDEPENDENT, THROW YOUR HANDS UP AT MEEEH), because independence and taking care of yourself is very important.  I enjoy being a loner type, not needing a relationship, paying for my own dinner (well, maybe not paying for my own dinner so much..) and spending a nice quiet evening on my couch playing some forgotten tome of a game.  On the other side of the fence we have my desire for….uh…physical relations.  And why not?  Sex drives us much like food and work drives us.  A completely human need.  It’s fairly hard for me to simply sleep with someone I don’t know anything about of course.  For me, physical appearance only comes into play AFTER I’ve been exposed to their personality.  If I’m not attracted to that, chances are physical attraction isn’t going to happen.  Unless you are Daryl Hall.  I don’t know him, but I love him.


*Cough* Anyways.  Open relationships never appealed to me directly, but in my own struggles with the idea of relationships, being tied down, and wanting affection without commitment, I can understand WHY they appeal to others.  I can’t quite grasp how people can maintain calm composure, and not feel pangs of jealousy throughout the situation.  Maybe people hide those to avoid messy confrontation with whoever they are dating.  Maybe I am over analyzing the idea, but I am curious about other people’s experiences.  If you’ve had experience with open relationships, leave a comment in the comment box, and even if you haven’t, what’s your theory on them?  Why or why don’t they work?

You know, I think what I really want is to just go out to dinner.  All this thinking about shit I want is making me hungry.  Time for some left over chili, baby!  With oyster crackers.  WERD.

  • Deka Black

    What i want?A real job. Doing street polls for the provinvce government is not a thing what allows you to be… liked. And well paid

  • Adrian

    Jealousy is a stupid concept when you think about it – it's not like you're loosing anything when you share your lover with somebody else.

  • Lex Vader

    I had an open relationship with a girl once… she just forgot to tell me about it beforehand. Now it's an open marriage. Well, in that she married the guy and never spoke to me again. Say, are you gonna eat that cookie?

  • pushinguproses

    I think people often experience jealousy because they do feel like they are losing something. Exclusiveness, and the attention you get. I think it all depends on what kind of meaning you give your relationships, so everyone will have a differing opinion on that since our brains are different.

    I also think people like the idea of being loved and loving only one person, even though I believe there are multiple “right” people for one person. It's a big world after all, it's likely people are compatible with more than just one. :)

  • pushinguproses

    Wow, I am sorry to hear that one. I'd gladly share my cookies with you. Just realize I baked them myself and they have the consistency of tar.

  • Stephanie Shinkle

    I think that an open relationship can work so long as both partners really do want it. If one person wants an open relationship and the other goes along with it just to make their partner happy then somewhere down the line there's going to be problems.

  • Guillermo del Corral

    What i want right now is to be next to my girlfriend. For multiple reasons, at the moment i am far away from her. I miss her. A lot.

    And also want a real job. Doing street polls is … low paid, for starters :( But at the moment…

    Anyway. About open relantioships, i'm with Stephanie. Only work so long as both persons want it. if not, is a mess. Just my opinion.

  • Paw

    So you're looking for a guy to play games with and have copious amounts of sex, but with no commitment? Hear that? That was the sound of every 18~35 male in the world pricking up their ears and desperately tweeting you asking for dates. Simultaneously.

    In other, unrelated news, I have just purchased a pet moose and have grown a blonde mullet.

  • DanManX

    I myself have not had an open relationship, but one of my best friends had a “sex buddy,” or a friend with benefits, whatever you wanna call it, for awhile. However, she ended up developing feelings for him, and for awhile decided to stop sleeping with him just to make sure it didn't complicate things. Then she ended up telling him, and he asked her out, and they've been dating since around February or so. So it worked out, but it WAS very stressful and emotional for her, even when it was supposed to be the opposite.

    Does everyone react like that? Probably not. However, I would point out that my friend also values independence and in fact she purposely tends to…I guess “repress” her emotions, just so they don't cause problems. So, despite her every intention to only use that situation as a way to relieve stress, have some fun, fulfill her needs, etc., it ended up being far too hard even for someone as independent and composed as her to maintain that.

    If you mean “open relationship” in the way that you are officially dating someone but you are both allowed to sleep with other people, I cannot imagine that being EASIER. But, again, I have no personal experience with it (or any other experience, but that's not the point).

    I suppose you could just TRY to sleep with people you know nothing about–go out, drink, have one-night stands, like everyone else apparently does. You said “fairly hard,” not impossible, so presumably you CAN and just prefer not to. Maybe you'd get over it. But, I think the fact that it's difficult for you might mean something. Perhaps it's a sign that you SHOULDN'T, that even if you ignored the emotions or simply reached a point where they weren't a problem, maybe you just know it's not a good idea for you. I can't say. But, given the information presented, it would seem like the options are “try it out, possibly solve the problem, possibly create more” or “know that it will lead to problems, so just wait for something more concrete.”

    Personally I just solve those needs by myself, but…well, again. No experience. So perhaps I'm not the best judge, and maybe it's not the same.

  • Greg Poust

    I have not been in an open relationship, but I know I could never survive one. I know myself enough to know that I would be jealous of sharing my love. I am emotionally needy (sometimes more than I should be) and I wouldn't want to have to share that kind of intimate time with another guy. It would drive me bat shit crazy. I also find deep meaning in physical interactions, or at least that they should have deep meaning. I understand they don't have to, but I think they are much more significant when they do. I guess maybe some people could make it work, but not me. I think some things are meant to be exclusive between 2 people.

  • Micah C

    Though I haven't been in an open relationship myself, my closest friend and his longtime girlfriend had one for a long while, and it seemed to me that the principle thought behind the whole thing is “ignorance is bliss.”

    How it ran was essentially all based on their perceptions of sex, and everyone's perception as different. Some just see it as a pleasureful fluid swap, and others put more meaning into it. I'd give my thoughts, but they're irrelevant to the inquiry. My friends, for better or worse, saw it as the former for a good long while.

    Essentially, I think that it all comes down to what you, as a person, will put weight on. If sex doesn't really hold any great meaning for you, but you but greater weight on different forms of sharing, such as conversation, embraces, expressions, and emotions, then an open relationship can work. The real question is whether or not someone will either feel the same way, or just simply be willing to put less weight on the sex than everything else.

  • MiuGu

    I presume you realise you're more or less the dream girlfriend for a good chunk of men about your age, yours truly included… and a redhead to boot. Also your voice sounds really sexy. Propably a good thing there's this little puddle between us :)

    What comes to actual relevant comments I think if you can or can't do open relationships depends on how logical you are about relations with other people. The act of sex at the very basic level has nothing to do with relationships. It's the emotional baggage and the innate closeness that complicates things. Personally I think there lies the difference between having sex and making love, the former requires no emotional contact where as the latter doesn't necessarily require any physical.

    Also an issue is jealosy, which is the primal side of an otherwise very human emotion. Jealosy, I think, stems from the reproductive incentive hardcoded to all of us. It's saying “she/he is my mate you can't have her”.

    And if I sound corny or overtly philosophical I blame it on having pulled and allnighter and having just finished Matrix: Reloaded, Revolutions and GitS: Innocence during a single night… don't try it folks, baaaaad idea.

  • Endless

    I've never been in an open relationship, and I probably never will. To me it seems like a waste of time. Having an open relationship is probably like having a “normal”(for a lack of a better term) relationship then adding good qualities to it, and multiplying the bad qualities. No person is perfect, and no relationship is perfect. If you have a hard time getting along with one guy, imagine getting along with multiple at the same time. Even if jealousy isn't an issue, think about it this way:
    -imagine being in an open relationship with a guy who wants to spend too much time with you.
    -imagine being in an open relationship with a guy who is inattentive.
    -imagine being with a guy who wants to spend too much time with you, and a guy who is too distant at the same time. Too much of one, and not enough of the other would suck wouldn't it.
    People are very flawed. An open relation doesn't really fix that.

    We all want some one who “completes” us: sexy, smart, funny, nice, etc. And I can understand why people try to get those qualities from multiple sources at the same time. But the reality of it is that adding all the good qualities from multiple people, doesn't remove the bad qualities from multiple people.

    Maybe I'm too cynical, but instead of looking for someone who “completes” us, maybe we should look for someone who “almost completes” us.

  • Khadeja Merenkov

    Glad to see you writing again! 😀 There are many things we all want…

    Thinking about open relationships, well, I think kind of similarly to you. It sounds okay in theory, but my emotions and my own mind will not allow me to deal with it. I tried something like an open relationship once, but it did not work out because I ended up liking them more than they liked me, and I ended up feeling very used. It was miserable for me, but not so much for them (I think).

    I don't think they work for ME because I grow attached to people in a different way than other people might, and that difference in attitude makes the idea of an open relationship incompatible with me. I think that people who can stay safe, and who are able to do it without losing their mind, have a very different way of looking at relationships than I do, and I don't think I relate to them but I do not under any circumstances think it is wrong.

    Here is another thing, though: if you are just sleeping with someone, it's a friends with benefits situation, or it's just a “sleeping with someone” situation, not an open relationship. An “open relationship” involves emotional involvement. That's why I couldn't do THAT. But we all need lovings of the physical kind :) As long as we are safe, there is nothing wrong with that!

  • LotusPrince

    As has been said, I'm glad to see another article! I am always wowed by your heartfelt sincerity in your writing. Very well done!

    I think I know what you mean about not wanting open relationships. I myself prefer to just chill out and play games, and not have to worry about commitment. Currently, I don't have much free time, so I like to grab as much “me time” as I can.

    Also also, you are clearly insane, for you should name your fox Miles Prower. 😉

  • James Grayson

    I agree with those saying that an open relationship is just taking a normal relationship, but instead of adding companionship and love, just multiply all of the problems you normally have by, like, 12.

    That and I would feel dirty being in an open relationship. Like, just sleep with whoever? That's not a relationship, that's called being “that player who nailed her, her, and her all at the same time”.

  • Phreak89

    Not sure why reading your blog is suddenly compelling me to share this the story of my semi open relationship (if that's even possible) that I have been going through the past few years with the people of the interwebs but….

    Me and this girl started up just a simple convenience fuck buddy type relationship about two years ago. We had been friends for a few months before this started and generally I'm not into such situations but as you alluded to in your blog Rosie, sometimes you just need to get laid! And being that I am the same way where I must genuinely like the person for their personality before I can really even have that physical attraction, at least she fit the bill there as well. Early on we agreed to not get too involved and just keep it as a nice little Jerry and Elaine 'take this and add that' type relationship. We figured this would work for we knew we would not see each other again for a while if ever again shortly after we stared because she was going to be moving all over the place.

    Well we got to know each other more and more, hang out a lot, yada yada yada, as I'm sure you could predict it became more than we wanted it to. But still with he inevitable leave we moved on and didn't think too much of it. We kept in touch via skype for a summer and it was nice. Neither of us really found anyone else and the next winter she was back in the area I lived again…so naturally we kinda started back up. This time a little more serious but still keeping it very low key and lax. Neither of us being real big on the lovey dovey, 'I love you, Pumpkin.', 'I love you, Honey Bunny.' type shit. But even without that our feelings ran pretty strong. By the end of the winter she was off for the summer again and we were supposed to do a brief road trip together where I kinda wanted to do have a bit of a state of the union talk just cause this whole back and forth was getting hard. Unfortunately extenuating circumstances took over not giving me the chance to have that talk.

    This is where I should probably give one fact that may seem odd to some. I am 21, she is 28. We never thought of anything of it but being that I am now having to finish a bit of school while she is around traveling a lot, makes this difficult. It's not so much the number but the number meaning that we are all so at two different stages in our lives even if we don't give a shit about the age difference.

    So while she was traveling she found another guy. I was expecting this at some point but it still hurt a lot. I am not the jealous type at all but I still couldn't help but feel it a bit. Obviously a big reason for the split was just being apart all the time but also, her being the more experienced and wiser of the two of us wanted me to get out and enjoy my youth and not restrict myself. Basically told me to go out and sew my royal oats. Neither of us wanted to lose our friendship though. After the two years, even minus the awesome sex we always had a great time just being in each others company and became as much of best friends as lovers. So we kept in touch still obviously, a bit awkward at first but it quickly became easier.

    This brings us up to just a few weeks ago, when she was again traveling around and decided to make one of her stops to see me for a few days. Still being best friends it had to be done. I had no idea what would happen when she got here. This was the first time we had seen each other and we weren't 'dating'. So she flies in, we have a blast catching up, shootn' the shit and first night we sleep in the same bed but nothing happens. Second night we do more of the type of stuff we love to do together like thrift store shopping, cooking, watching and riffing shitty movies and that night we hooked up. I feel terrible for being an accomplice to adultery but at the same time it almost seemed like our connection grew in the months apart. The next morning it felt like we never split. Later that night we finally for the chance for our state of the union talk. Without giving out too much personal info basically it summed up to the guy she is dating pisses her off regularly. I am apparently the only guy she has ever gone out with that she has never had the urge to straggle at some point or another. Me confessing my love to her and her to me. And then having a similar discussion as our 'break up' where she asked me to make myself available as long as she can do the same, but at the same time realize that if nothing worked out for either of us, we always still have each other. We had our fun for a few more days and she flew off again…

    That pretty much brings us up to date. We still talk regularly. She's still technically dating the douche bag (we'll see how long that lasts though) and I continue to look but keep finding mostly uninteresting, shallow or just plain stupid girls that seem to exclusively occupy the area I live in currently. I know this situation might sound awesome to some, having a person you love that encourages you to sleep around, but to but honest, anytime I try getting to know other girls to potentially date, all I can think of is her and how she eats shallow little girls like these ones for breakfast. I know I'm a young hopeless romantic but I can't help it. It is what I am I ain't changin' for nobody! I guess to answer your question Rosie of whether or not open relationships work…well…I don't know if you would call what I just described but it sure as hell isn't traditional and it sure as hell isn't easy.

    Anyway…anybody who read this far, thanks for giving me your time and pardon the large number of Seinfeld references. I'm a bit of a Sein-freak…could you tell?

  • Slepter

    I could never share an open relationship. I could list a lot of reasons, but it's easiest to just list the simplest one.

    I can't stomach the idea of putting my dick where some other dude regularly puts his dick. Past boyfriends is one thing, but… like, some dude cums there. How could that not bother you? I'm not a homophobe or anything, but that's too much.

    I'll even throw in a second reason, just for the hell of it. You're going to be compared to your boy/girlfriend's other lovers. You really think you're that important if they can just get what they get from you from someone else? If you're not important to someone you love, then what's the point? Why bother at all if you're not going to get attached? Sex is great and all, I'm sure, but it's not that important.

  • Troy Bushido

    This is fun. I'm gonna toss a sampling of my wish list, probably 'cause I prolly won't do this anywhere else (endulge, people). Oh, and yes, I'm gonna comment on the open relationships thing.

    – Harley Davidson Dark Custom. Yes, I'm an asian guy who wants a motorcycle, but I DON'T want a crotch rocket like all the others. When I got my license, I trained on a 250cc Honda Rebel, but even then I felt the monsterous rumble every time I revved the engine. Never have I felt so free, yet so relaxed, yet so badass…

    – MORE HOODIES! Prefer sports brands, like Nike or Addidas. Would love an MMA brand if someone was generous enough (Tapout, Affliction, WarriorWear). Nothing's better than snuggling in your own hoodie, with the hood up.

    – Books…yeah, books! I have this bookshelf I really want to diversify. I'd love some humor books or books that really would make someone curiously pick it up. One rule, NO STEPHANIE MEYER!!!!!!! It'd turn into fireplace kindling in an instant.

    Okay…my thoughts on the 'open relationship'. I'm honestly a casual dater. When I meet someone, I take it one day at a time, one date at a time. No rush to get into a relationship, because when I'm in one, I want to be in it for the long haul. If a date who I like gets 'intimate' feelings, I won't reject them. To me, the feelings of attraction don't have to be held back. I honestly can say if the vibe and the feelings are there, I won't say no to a one night stand (protected, of course). With our lives being so busy and going in so many directions, the only thing I can truly promise to a girl I date is a very beautiful moment…and we'll figure it out from there.

    alright, a few more wishes…

    – My car overhauled. '99 Eclipse convertible. Needs a new top, new top motor, a fresh suspension and a paint job. Any takers?

    – A photoshoot. I've always wanted some QUALITY pics to put up on my facebook. No more 'turn the camera to myself' or 'mirror' pics.

    – A date with Rosie…er…

  • Jeremy

    I couldn't do an open relationship for only one reason: I've learned from those who came before me. By “those who came before me” I mean, literally, my parents.

    My mother and father got “married” but, being the social anarchists they apparently thought they were, decided not to include things like “commitment” and “paperwork.” (If this sounds bitter, be aware that i'm not bitter at all. My surviving parent and I have a good relationship, most of this information comes from her, and she is very accustomed to my sarcastic sense of humor.)

    The idea, for them, was that society wasn't going to tell them how to live their lives. So they entered into this social contract without the typical constraints feeling like they were awesome rebels. Things fell apart when I was very young. Both parties thought that there were rules here that were understood even if they weren't made explicit and that was simply not the case. As “rules” were broken, hard feelings erupted and things declined in their relationship very quickly. When the last ditch effort to keep it all together failed spectacularly, it created a hurt that persists to this day, nearly thirty years later.

    Now, to be fair, there were a LOT of other factors involved here in addition to the open relationship, but even absent those factors, I feel that not choosing monogamy was one of my parents' biggest mistakes and it is not one i'll voluntarily repeat.

  • Altoman5

    I've been in a couple of open relationships and it was fun for a while. This was way back when I was younger. But the older I get, the more I want a stable relationship and of course trying to find someone you're want to spend time with and accepts you for who you are is tough. A lot of people try to find that perfect person but those standards will never live up. You got to accept the good and the flaws of that person.

    On a happy note, best to get a fox. Cause I've had moose burgers and they're pretty good.

  • Catutie

    I love reading your blogs. I don't think that open relationships work. its just like you have to stick with one person and love them not 3 people at the same time because in the ends someone is going to want more attention than someone else and it will just end up in a big mess and everyone will be hurt. stick with one person at a time people. ONE!

    P.S. Everyone knows that Husky's and German Shepherds are the greatest of the dog family so…foxes can suck it. (foxes are in the dog family right? ether way they are far behind Husky's and German Shepherds.)

  • Barnittster

    It might be true from a statistical perspective that there are multiple “right” people for each of us. We are all attracted to a combination of physical attraction and other subconscious aspects which basically amount to “who would be the best person to reproduce with”. It's quite likely that humans can't tell the difference between the person who is 98% compatible and 95%.

    That said, the argument that there is no one person who is “right” for us is disingenuous in that it doesn't actually say anything. The same thing could be said for anything: I don't know what all of my possible options to eat for lunch are; therefore, I cannot know if I am truly happy eating the leftover chili I am about to eat. I would posit that the abstraction of what makes anyone “truly” anything is inherently false. We as people cannot know what we do not know, and therefore we cannot know if we are ever truly happy/sad/etc., or even if we are satisfied with our meal choices.

    This is all very philosophical, granted, but I think it's true. In my opinion (and experience), relationships are based around two concepts: current attraction and positive attributes, and the ability of the other person to continue to offer you a benefit in the future. Relationships only work if both people are satisfied now and think they can be satisfied by the other person in the future.

    Open relationships don't work (again, my opinion) because human relationships can't be boiled down into calculus-like equations. Say you are dating two boys: Boy A is the physical stimulation you need, and Boy B is the mental stimulation you need. Both together should be perfect, right (assuming both satisfy those individual needs perfectly)? Well, no, not in my opinion. There is an interdependency of those two needs which neither boy is fulfilling. Moreover, since we are dealing with real people here, we must realize that dating more than one person at a time will result in some overlap between them. That redundancy is bound to cause problems in the long run.

    Sorry for the long post. I'm not morally opposed to open relationships, just for the record. I don't think they can work in theory or in practice, but I'm all for people being open to try whatever they want.

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