The Epilator Story

Sometimes when I am bored, I think. And sometimes when I think, I get ideas. The majority of these ideas are mediocre to genius, but there is that minute percentage (maybe like..5%) of ideas gone terribly wrong.

The other day, I randomly thought to myself: “Man, I hate shaving. If I could not do one thing, it would be shaving. Razor burn, slicing myself to ribbons, THEN the hair just grows back within like, 2 days? This is not worth my time. And I’m hungry!”

Now, let me elaborate on a few thoughts. I am one of those people who doesn’t believe that women should absolutely, without a choice, have to shave. After all, men don’t really shave, and I always liked a more naturally appearance, as opposed to an appearance I can tell was altered. However, the media has done a great job in making women everywhere feel blameworthy about “unsightly” hair. And that’s another thing I never understood – is it really unsightly? Cause I can think of a million other things that far outweigh hair on the repulsion scale:  flesh eating virus’, eye boogers, shrimp, Nick Nolte….just to name a few. I’m not sure when the shaving ritual began, or how it even came to be, but now there are severals ways to rid yourself of body hair if you so choose to. I think it has all come down to aesthetics for -most- people, but I will always find a bit of hair to be attractive.

Now! I will be a hypocrite and say that even though I don’t care if women don’t shave, I still shave my legs.  I don’t know why I do it – I guess it’s just become routine and I love soft silky legs on myself. I care less about what the public would think if I didn’t shave, than the fact that I just happen to like smooth legs. But shaving is so agitating and repetitive. And I have had it with my razor – I shave in the shower so if I cut myself, the water quells the pain almost instantly, and I never notice until I get out of the shower that I have ribbons of red liquid traveling down my legs.

So I bought an epilator.

Isn’t she a beaut? Alright, let me explicate the mechanics of this here device: It’s shaped like an electric razor, only instead of having razor heads that you don’t feel when you use them, this has a rotating set of several metal tweezers that open and close, and spin rapidly while in use. The idea here is that the tweezers will quickly pluck the hair from the root, making it take longer to grow back since you tear the follicle, and since it goes so fast, it’s not as painful, right? Right?

Feeling ambitious, I decided to give this thingie a try. Under my arms.

I’ve been told that this is the most painful place to tweezer/wax, but I omitted these warnings. After all, I have giant birds tattooed on my chest! I can handle anything! I am SHE-RA.

So I turn on my new gadget, and it spins wildly, making a somewhat intimidating noise that one could be described as “dentist drill”.

I start using it, and about two seconds of having hair being ripped from my skin, I am spouting the most inappropriate obscenities ever thought up. Too obscene for even this website. But, I toughed it out. I got through one arm before I put it down and noticed I was feeling a bit clammy. Then I noticed my eyes were blacking out. Then I noticed I was in bed, after waking up from passing out for however long.

Christ, I’d rather shave every few days than have to deal with that EVER AGAIN. What the HELL!?! Who thought this was a good idea, and why do people still use them? I guess it lasts longer than shaving, but JEEZUS it hurts. There is no reason to ever put yourself in this amount of pain for the sake of vanity. Ugh, thinking about the sensation of hairs being torn out of me is making my stomach feel a bit oozily.

Okay, shaving. You win this time. But hear you me, Epilator…we will try this again soon.

….On someone else. Volunteers?