I was watching TV the other day, and for whatever reason, I wasn’t watching Kitchen Nightmares or old reruns of Whose Line is it Anyway. There was this special on about what makes guys unsuitable candidates for dating a girl. It was amusing for the most part, touching on things like “Guys shouldn’t wear a bandana, guys shouldn’t wear a wife beater on a first date..” etc. You know, common sense things that NOBODY should do on a first date.
Then they got to the rule of “Don’t talk about video games on a first date to your girl”, and some of the responses girls gave were just dense. “If you talk to me about Halo, I will dump your ass”, to paraphrase. The girls on the show made it seem stupid for girls to like video games in any sense (which we all know is outdated. ‘Scuse me while I go shoe shopping while making a sandwich and sewing a doily). Needless to say, I got a little huffy, which isn’t too uncommon when I feel strongly about something. In the show’s defense, they recruited the most brain dead women to give their opinions on these so called video game rules, such as the oh-so-intelligent Snooki from Jersey Shore, who is more interested in a man on steroids than a man who plays a PS3. Sorry Snooki- here is one of my rules for taking someone seriously: I can’t take you seriously when your skin color is similar to that of a pachyderm…by choice.
I eventually got fed up with these common rules, and decided to make some rules of my own! Everyone has standards, right? Well, these are my top reasons that make you…..dun dun dun….UNDATEABLE.
#10 – You Smell Like Toxic Waste
I am somewhat sensitive to smell, so if you smell similar to a dump truck, I cannot date you. HOWEVER. If you smell like a toaster strudel, you may have a hard time prying me off of your being. Mmmm.
#9 – You kick puppies
Well, unless you are kicking my Mom’s annoying chihuahua dog, don’t even think about kicking a puppy!
#8 – You have no tolerance for Hall and Oates
We could probably make perfect enemies.
#7 – You are an eggplant
Eggplants don’t really have any nutritional value, you know. Alton Brown said so.
#6 – You wear Zubazs
Actually…this may get you a date. It depends on if you are wearing the zebra print ones or not.
#5 – You insist on wearing a sombrero
#4 – You refuse to watch Wee Sing tapes with me
Sometimes I like to go back to my childhood. Don’t judge! WEE SING RULES. IT MAKES ME COOL.
#3 – You plan to steal Weird Al from me
What? What do you mean Weird Al is married?…
#2- You *don’t* want to play video games with me
Very seriously, I can’t date anyone who doesn’t and isn’t willing to play video games with me. Games, especially of the computer variety, are a huge part of my past and present, so be ready to spend time with me at the PC.
#1 – You take this list seriously
I very rarely take myself seriously, and you shouldn’t either. However, I still won’t date you if you smell like toxic waste, so don’t even ask!
And there you have it, my top ten list on what makes you….dun dun dun….UNDATEABLE. Seriously, the reasons I just listed are no more ridiculous than the ones I saw on the show. While it’s good to have standards while dating, I don’t think it’s good to nitpick over things like bananas and chain wallets, etc.
….but seriously, don’t wear a sombrero.
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